Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
