why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
