Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
