it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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