I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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