Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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