just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
