We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
