Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
