Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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