My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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