Your mouth is God's brothel.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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