This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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