My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
