I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize