I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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