remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
