I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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