just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
