Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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