I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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