my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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