the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
they're like a gay fantastic four
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
