Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
