I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
