I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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