so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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