I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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