we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
