I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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