oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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