It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
