I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I love you. Go after that dick
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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