I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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