I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
