Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
