Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
