Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My breasts were aching with rage.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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