I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
