we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
