someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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