I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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