My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
