I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
