I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
