i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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