I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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