I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
