mondays should just be called national damage control day
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
