Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
