my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
