I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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