glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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