Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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