you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
