Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
