I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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